Category Archives: The Arab Tyrant’s Manual

The Canonical “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”

These are the 80-something tweets that formed the original “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”. Although most were posted by me, I cannot claim exclusive credit for them. Many were “retweets”, as I collected and restated other people’s contributions. I include them here as-is, hash-tags included, only editing to correct typos.

For a (rather lengthy) introduction to the Arab Tyrant’s Manual, click here.


Help me compile an “Arab Tyrant’s Standard Revolution Response Manual”. What would be on it?

> So an Arab Tyrant would, in response to revolution: Offer money like pay increases… #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 2}

> Say: “This is not X” (where X is the country that had a revolution just before) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 3}

> Uniformed police, followed by plainclothes thugs, followed by the army. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 4}

> Blame Aljazeera, then attack it, then shut it down in the country. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 5}

> Blame it on “foreign agendas.” {extravote 6}

> Blame it on a conspiracy. The more ridiculously bigger, the better. Our country is so awsome that everyone is trying to bring us down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 7}

> Say “We support the youths” (while their own police force is beating the crap out of the youth) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 8}

 

> Blame it on Islamists. Start small (Muslim Brotherhood) then go all the way to the big boogie man, Alqaeda. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 9}

> Ignore events completely, realize late how serious things really are, and give a midnight speech to the nation. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 10}

> Warn of factionalism, sectarianism, tribalism, and many other scary “isms”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 11}

> Reshuffle the cabinet. Then reshuffle it again. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 12}

> Get thugs out of jail, give them bludgeon type weapons, and let them loose upon the people. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 13}

> Burn down your own police stations and blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 14}

> Act surprised when suddenly, fire breaks out in prisons where political detainees are held. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 15}

> Make a teary, emotional display about how much you love your country and how you spent your life serving it. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 16}

> Insist that everything is fine. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 17}

> When things get bad, shut down mobile networks & social media. When they get really bad, shut down the internet. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 18}

> Claim ignorance. “I didn’t know that there were these problems, and I will punish those responsible for it!” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 19}

> Say that only a tiny percentage of the people are against me. The majority are with me. Cite the latest elections. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 20}

> Say that “Change must take place” and promise great and amazing things if those kids would just stay at home. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 21}

> Addition to #ArabTyrantManual: Promise radical change. Say that this regime that remained static for 40 years can reform in 9 months. {extravote 22}

> Say that you were going to retire soon anyway and had no intention of running for the next elections. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 23}

> Say that you are planning to peacefully relinquish power at the next election, scheduled 12 years later. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 24}

> Get yourself a shameless liar and make him Minister of Information & head of state TV. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 25}

> Insist on following the constitution. Ignore them when they say you didn’t care about the constitution before. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 26}

> Complain on behalf of “average citizens” that normal life is being held up due to the protests. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 27}

> Say that you ruled the country out of love and service and you have no desire for power and have no money. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 28}

> Have a military parade. Say it’s for the nation. It’s actually to show them what’ll come at them if they revolt. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 29}

> Order the interior minister to kill them all. Then sack him for his heavy-handedness. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 30}

> Say that the kids were pure of heart, but were tricked by “foreign agendas”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 31}

> Say that the kids were tricked into protesting through X (KFC, Nescafe, drugs, sex, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 32}

> Kill a thousand. And then say that you have no idea how they died because you haven’t used force “yet”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 33}

> Stage demonstrations in support of your rule. But don’t give them flags & banners. Give them 50 bucks & an AK47. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 34}

> Say your country doesn’t need a revolution coz it already had one. Cite the year you came to power. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 35}

> Let your thugs loose on the protesters. Say that these were unfortunate clashes between pro- and anti- demonstrators. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 36}

> Bring in the boogie man of your grandfather’s generation: Colonialism & imperialism. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 37}

> Call your favorite brown-nose celebrity (singer, dancer, soccer player, etc.). Ask to talk on TV in your support. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 38}

> Use religion. Call your state mufti and promise him a pay raise for the proper fatwa. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 39}

> Hold a press conference to suck up to journalists. Then, send thugs after them to punch them and smash their cameras. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 40}

> Say that the protests started as a pure youth movement but were “”hijacked”” by a foreign agenda. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 41}

> Foreign agenda X (where X can be: Islamism, Zionism, Israel, Iran, USA, colonialism, imperialism…) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 42}

> Have a charming interview with a famous journalist. Amanpour would do. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 43}

> Say that your people are not ready for democracy. You have to pave the way to it, by acting like a complete asshole. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 44}

> If foreign nations criticize, blast them for not understanding your culture. “In our culture, I rule. They obey.” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 45}

> Send your army into the streets. Say they are there to “protect the kids”. Have them kidnap and rape the kids instead. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 46}

> After your army steamrolls protests, swear that the army was unarmed. The protesters did it to themselves to frame you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 47}

> When bullet-ridden bodies, pictures, & videos are cited, explain that the kids did it to themselves, just to spite you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 48}

> Pull a Bundy (“four touchdowns in one game”). Brag about your wartime achievements for your country. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 49}

> Say that you finally understand the people. “I understand you now.” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 50}

> Tell them that if they don’t go back home, the bad men will come and take away all their oil. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 51}

> Say that you “got the message” and “will act on it soon”. Don’t mention what “soon” means. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 52}

> Reshuffle the cabinet one more time, just coz you’re bored. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 53}

> When things get really bad, appoint the second most hated guy in the country as your VP. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 54}

> Bring up the economy. The kids are destroying the economy. Don’t mention how the economy looked before this point. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 55}

> Say that you have no real power anyway so you don’t need to step down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 56}

> When in doubt, insult. “They are X”. (X = Dogs, rats, mice, snakes, owls, generic small animals). #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 57}

> Say that your presence is a safety valve, and if you leave the country will explode in an orgy of sectarian killing. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 58}

> Ask parents to keep their kids at home. Tell the kids that they shouldn’t say no to their parents. It’s bad manners. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 59}

> Insist that all your beeble love you and would die for you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 60}

> To show just how much your people love you, hold a demonstration in your capital. Louder than a gay pride parade. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 61}

> Explain how force is unfortunate but it’s the only thing that will work in this culture. Present yourself as a strongman. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 62}

> Remember to use delay tactics to liquidate & move decades of stolen assets. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 63}

> If it gets out that you have X billion dollars, say that you’ve been saving up for the people’s birthday present. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 64}

> In your “Amanpour moment”, explain how you are secular and Westernized in a land of tribal savages. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 65}

> Tell the people that they are your children and you speak to them as a father. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 66}

> Say that you are a great soldier who never gives up the fight. Book a suite in Jeddah, just in case. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 67}

> Tell people that if they don’t go home, the country will become the next X (X = Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 68}

> When you’ve had enough of them, attack Aljazeera physically. Shut them down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 69}

> Approve a few suck-up silly political parties. Point to this as an example of change. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 70}

> Shut down the stock market and the banks. Blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 71}

> Choose a scruffy looking opposition figure who has no support among the people. Hold “talks” with him about change. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 72}

> When it gets really bad, hire mercenaries and have them shoot at your people. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 73}

> Cut cities’ water & electricity and block the passage of food and medical supplies. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 74}

> Blow up a Church and blame it on the Islamists. Say that your rule provides stability and protects minorities. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 75}

> Let some crazy Islamists out of jail. Tell foreign politicians that if you allow free elections, they will come to power. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 76}

> Call all your other tyrant buddies and ask them to provide guns & money for you. Tell them if you fall, they’re next. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 77}

> Don’t allow funerals. Hold the bodies. Funerals become demonstrations. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 78}

> Collect the bodies of the dead and injured (they will die eventually). They will always come in handy. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 79}

> Don’t allow Fridays. Big congregations are scary. Shut down mosques. Cite emergency fatwas. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 80}

> When all foreign TVs are showing the main square protests, air something inane on your own TV. A drama. Or a comedy show. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 81}

> Say you never intended to have your son run after you. Make sure you have a daughter. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 82}

> Find a big, hungry foreign country with no morals and offer them preferential contracts if they give you support. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 83}

> Dye your hair and use a lot of gel, and have a voluptuous nurse apply botox to your face. Look young. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 84}

> Demonstrate your confidence with a casual prop of some kind. Umbrellas are good. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 85}

> Shoot fake footage or pass fake info to news sources, and then refute it. Say this proves that all reporting by “foreign media” is false. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 86}

> Order police to kill people. Then say you don’t know how it happened and you’ll form a fact-finding commission. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 87}

> Offer amnesty for whoever turns himself in. Say that if they don’t, they’ll be shot dead. (If they do turn themselves in, torture them to death anyway.) {extravote 88}

> Give your thugs ‘net connections and Facebook accounts. Have them take their thuggery online. Start with Twitter and Facebook, but don’t forget to spam article comment sections. {extravote 89}

Note that the original tweets were compiled early by Amira Al-Husseini here, and by Sandra Gore Nielsen here. Thanks Amira, thanks Sandra.

Extravote: The Canonical “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”

These are the 80-something tweets that formed the original “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”. Although most were posted by me, I cannot claim exclusive credit for them. Many were “retweets”, as I collected and restated other people’s contributions. I include them here as-is, hash-tags included, only editing to correct typos.

For a (rather lengthy) introduction to the Arab Tyrant’s Manual, click here.

 

> Help me compile an “Arab Tyrant’s Standard Revolution Response Manual”. What would be on it?” {extravote 1}

 

> So an Arab Tyrant would, in response to revolution: Offer money like pay increases… #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 2}

 

> Say: “This is not X” (where X is the country that had a revolution just before) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 3}

 

> Uniformed police, followed by plainclothes thugs, followed by the army. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 4}

 

> Blame Aljazeera, then attack it, then shut it down in the country. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 5}

 

> Blame it on “foreign agendas.” {extravote 6}

 

> Blame it on a conspiracy. The more ridiculously bigger, the better. Our country is so awsome that everyone is trying to bring us down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 7}

> Say “We support the youths” (while their own police force is beating the crap out of the youth) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 8}


> Blame it on Islamists. Start small (Muslim Brotherhood) then go all the way to the big boogie man, Alqaeda. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 9}

 

> Ignore events completely, realize late how serious things really are, and give a midnight speech to the nation. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 10}

 

> Warn of factionalism, sectarianism, tribalism, and many other scary “isms”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 11}

 

> Reshuffle the cabinet. Then reshuffle it again. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 12}

 

> Get thugs out of jail, give them bludgeon type weapons, and let them loose upon the people. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 13}

 

> Burn down your own police stations and blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 14}

 

> Act surprised when suddenly, fire breaks out in prisons where political detainees are held. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 15}

 

> Make a teary, emotional display about how much you love your country and how you spent your life serving it. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 16}

 

> Insist that everything is fine. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 17}

 

> When things get bad, shut down mobile networks & social media. When they get really bad, shut down the internet. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 18}

 

> Claim ignorance. “I didn’t know that there were these problems, and I will punish those responsible for it!” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 19}

 

> Say that only a tiny percentage of the people are against me. The majority are with me. Cite the latest elections. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 20}

 

> Say that “Change must take place” and promise great and amazing things if those kids would just stay at home. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 21}

 

> Addition to #ArabTyrantManual: Promise radical change. Say that this regime that remained static for 40 years can reform in 9 months. {extravote 22}

 

> Say that you were going to retire soon anyway and had no intention of running for the next elections. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 23}

 

> Say that you are planning to peacefully relinquish power at the next election, scheduled 12 years later. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 24}

 

> Get yourself a shameless liar and make him Minister of Information & head of state TV. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 25}

 

> Insist on following the constitution. Ignore them when they say you didn’t care about the constitution before. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 26}

 

> Complain on behalf of “average citizens” that normal life is being held up due to the protests. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 27}

 

> Say that you ruled the country out of love and service and you have no desire for power and have no money. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 28}

 

> Have a military parade. Say it’s for the nation. It’s actually to show them what’ll come at them if they revolt. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 29}

 

> Order the interior minister to kill them all. Then sack him for his heavy-handedness. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 30}

 

> Say that the kids were pure of heart, but were tricked by “foreign agendas”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 31}

 

> Say that the kids were tricked into protesting through X (KFC, Nescafe, drugs, sex, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 32}

 

> Kill a thousand. And then say that you have no idea how they died because you haven’t used force “yet”. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 33}

 

> Stage demonstrations in support of your rule. But don’t give them flags & banners. Give them 50 bucks & an AK47. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 34}

 

> Say your country doesn’t need a revolution coz it already had one. Cite the year you came to power. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 35}

 

> Let your thugs loose on the protesters. Say that these were unfortunate clashes between pro- and anti- demonstrators. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 36}

 

> Bring in the boogie man of your grandfather’s generation: Colonialism & imperialism. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 37}

 

> Call your favorite brown-nose celebrity (singer, dancer, soccer player, etc.). Ask to talk on TV in your support. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 38}

 

> Use religion. Call your state mufti and promise him a pay raise for the proper fatwa. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 39}

 

> Hold a press conference to suck up to journalists. Then, send thugs after them to punch them and smash their cameras. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 40}

 

> Say that the protests started as a pure youth movement but were “”hijacked”” by a foreign agenda. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 41}

 

> Foreign agenda X (where X can be: Islamism, Zionism, Israel, Iran, USA, colonialism, imperialism…) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 42}

 

> Have a charming interview with a famous journalist. Amanpour would do. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 43}

 

> Say that your people are not ready for democracy. You have to pave the way to it, by acting like a complete asshole. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 44}

 

> If foreign nations criticize, blast them for not understanding your culture. “In our culture, I rule. They obey.” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 45}

 

> Send your army into the streets. Say they are there to “protect the kids”. Have them kidnap and rape the kids instead. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 46}

 

> After your army steamrolls protests, swear that the army was unarmed. The protesters did it to themselves to frame you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 47}

 

> When bullet-ridden bodies, pictures, & videos are cited, explain that the kids did it to themselves, just to spite you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 48}

 

> Pull a Bundy (“four touchdowns in one game”). Brag about your wartime achievements for your country. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 49}

 

> Say that you finally understand the people. “I understand you now.” #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 50}

 

> Tell them that if they don’t go back home, the bad men will come and take away all their oil. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 51}

 

> Say that you “got the message” and “will act on it soon”. Don’t mention what “soon” means. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 52}

 

> Reshuffle the cabinet one more time, just coz you’re bored. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 53}

 

> When things get really bad, appoint the second most hated guy in the country as your VP. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 54}

 

> Bring up the economy. The kids are destroying the economy. Don’t mention how the economy looked before this point. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 55}

 

> Say that you have no real power anyway so you don’t need to step down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 56}

 

> When in doubt, insult. “They are X”. (X = Dogs, rats, mice, snakes, owls, generic small animals). #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 57}

 

> Say that your presence is a safety valve, and if you leave the country will explode in an orgy of sectarian killing. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 58}

 

> Ask parents to keep their kids at home. Tell the kids that they shouldn’t say no to their parents. It’s bad manners. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 59}

 

> Insist that all your beeble love you and would die for you. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 60}

 

> To show just how much your people love you, hold a demonstration in your capital. Louder than a gay pride parade. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 61}

 

> Explain how force is unfortunate but it’s the only thing that will work in this culture. Present yourself as a strongman. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 62}

 

> Remember to use delay tactics to liquidate & move decades of stolen assets. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 63}

 

> If it gets out that you have X billion dollars, say that you’ve been saving up for the people’s birthday present. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 64}

 

> In your “Amanpour moment”, explain how you are secular and Westernized in a land of tribal savages. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 65}

 

> Tell the people that they are your children and you speak to them as a father. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 66}

 

> Say that you are a great soldier who never gives up the fight. Book a suite in Jeddah, just in case. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 67}

 

> Tell people that if they don’t go home, the country will become the next X (X = Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 68}

 

> When you’ve had enough of them, attack Aljazeera physically. Shut them down. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 69}

 

> Approve a few suck-up silly political parties. Point to this as an example of change. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 70}

 

> Shut down the stock market and the banks. Blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 71}

 

> Choose a scruffy looking opposition figure who has no support among the people. Hold “talks” with him about change. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 72}

 

> When it gets really bad, hire mercenaries and have them shoot at your people. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 73}

 

> Cut cities’ water & electricity and block the passage of food and medical supplies. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 74}

 

> Blow up a Church and blame it on the Islamists. Say that your rule provides stability and protects minorities. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 75}

 

> Let some crazy Islamists out of jail. Tell foreign politicians that if you allow free elections, they will come to power. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 76}

 

> Call all your other tyrant buddies and ask them to provide guns & money for you. Tell them if you fall, they’re next. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 77}

 

> Don’t allow funerals. Hold the bodies. Funerals become demonstrations. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 78}

 

> Collect the bodies of the dead and injured (they will die eventually). They will always come in handy. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 79}

 

> Don’t allow Fridays. Big congregations are scary. Shut down mosques. Cite emergency fatwas. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 80}

 

> When all foreign TVs are showing the main square protests, air something inane on your own TV. A drama. Or a comedy show. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 81}

 

> Say you never intended to have your son run after you. Make sure you have a daughter. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 82}

 

> Find a big, hungry foreign country with no morals and offer them preferential contracts if they give you support. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 83}

 

> Dye your hair and use a lot of gel, and have a voluptuous nurse apply botox to your face. Look young. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 84}

 

> Demonstrate your confidence with a casual prop of some kind. Umbrellas are good. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 85}

 

> Shoot fake footage or pass fake info to news sources, and then refute it. Say this proves that all reporting by “foreign media” is false. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 86}

 

> Order police to kill people. Then say you don’t know how it happened and you’ll form a fact-finding commission. #ArabTyrantManual {extravote 87}

 

> Offer amnesty for whoever turns himself in. Say that if they don’t, they’ll be shot dead. (If they do turn themselves in, torture them to death anyway.) {extravote 88}

 

> Give your thugs ‘net connections and Facebook accounts. Have them take their thuggery online. Start with Twitter and Facebook, but don’t forget to spam article

comment sections. {extravote 89}

 

Note that the original tweets were compiled early by Amira Al-Husseini here, and by Sandra Gore Nielsen here. Thanks Amira, thanks Sandra.

Backup: The Canonical “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”

These are the 80-something tweets that formed the original “Arab Tyrant’s Manual”. Although most were posted by me, I cannot claim exclusive credit for them. Many were “retweets”, as I collected and restated other people’s contributions. I include them here as-is, hash-tags included, only editing to correct typos.

For a (rather lengthy) introduction to the Arab Tyrant’s Manual, click here.

 

> Help me compile an “Arab Tyrant’s Standard Revolution Response Manual”. What would be on it?”

> So an Arab Tyrant would, in response to revolution: Offer money like pay increases… #ArabTyrantManual

> Say: “This is not X” (where X is the country that had a revolution just before) #ArabTyrantManual

> Uniformed police, followed by plainclothes thugs, followed by the army. #ArabTyrantManual

> Blame Aljazeera, then attack it, then shut it down in the country. #ArabTyrantManual

> Blame it on “foreign agendas.”

> Blame it on a conspiracy. The more ridiculously bigger, the better. Our country is so awsome that everyone is trying to bring us down. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say “We support the youths” (while their own police force is beating the crap out of the youth) #ArabTyrantManual

> Blame it on Islamists. Start small (Muslim Brotherhood) then go all the way to the big boogie man, Alqaeda. #ArabTyrantManual

> Ignore events completely, realize late how serious things really are, and give a midnight speech to the nation. #ArabTyrantManual

> Warn of factionalism, sectarianism, tribalism, and many other scary “isms”. #ArabTyrantManual

> Reshuffle the cabinet. Then reshuffle it again. #ArabTyrantManual

> Get thugs out of jail, give them bludgeon type weapons, and let them loose upon the people. #ArabTyrantManual

> Burn down your own police stations and blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual

> Act surprised when suddenly, fire breaks out in prisons where political detainees are held. #ArabTyrantManual

> Make a teary, emotional display about how much you love your country and how you spent your life serving it. #ArabTyrantManual

> Insist that everything is fine. #ArabTyrantManual

> When things get bad, shut down mobile networks & social media. When they get really bad, shut down the internet. #ArabTyrantManual

> Claim ignorance. “I didn’t know that there were these problems, and I will punish those responsible for it!” #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that only a tiny percentage of the people are against me. The majority are with me. Cite the latest elections. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that “Change must take place” and promise great and amazing things if those kids would just stay at home. #ArabTyrantManual

> Addition to #ArabTyrantManual: Promise radical change. Say that this regime that remained static for 40 years can reform in 9 months.

> Say that you were going to retire soon anyway and had no intention of running for the next elections. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you are planning to peacefully relinquish power at the next election, scheduled 12 years later. #ArabTyrantManual

> Get yourself a shameless liar and make him Minister of Information & head of state TV. #ArabTyrantManual

> Insist on following the constitution. Ignore them when they say you didn’t care about the constitution before. #ArabTyrantManual

> Complain on behalf of “average citizens” that normal life is being held up due to the protests. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you ruled the country out of love and service and you have no desire for power and have no money. #ArabTyrantManual

> Have a military parade. Say it’s for the nation. It’s actually to show them what’ll come at them if they revolt. #ArabTyrantManual

> Order the interior minister to kill them all. Then sack him for his heavy-handedness. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that the kids were pure of heart, but were tricked by “foreign agendas”. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that the kids were tricked into protesting through X (KFC, Nescafe, drugs, sex, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual

> Kill a thousand. And then say that you have no idea how they died because you haven’t used force “yet”. #ArabTyrantManual

> Stage demonstrations in support of your rule. But don’t give them flags & banners. Give them 50 bucks & an AK47. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say your country doesn’t need a revolution coz it already had one. Cite the year you came to power. #ArabTyrantManual

> Let your thugs loose on the protesters. Say that these were unfortunate clashes between pro- and anti- demonstrators. #ArabTyrantManual

> Bring in the boogie man of your grandfather’s generation: Colonialism & imperialism. #ArabTyrantManual

> Call your favorite brown-nose celebrity (singer, dancer, soccer player, etc.). Ask to talk on TV in your support. #ArabTyrantManual

> Use religion. Call your state mufti and promise him a pay raise for the proper fatwa. #ArabTyrantManual

> Hold a press conference to suck up to journalists. Then, send thugs after them to punch them and smash their cameras. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that the protests started as a pure youth movement but were “”hijacked”” by a foreign agenda. #ArabTyrantManual

> Foreign agenda X (where X can be: Islamism, Zionism, Israel, Iran, USA, colonialism, imperialism…) #ArabTyrantManual

> Have a charming interview with a famous journalist. Amanpour would do. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that your people are not ready for democracy. You have to pave the way to it, by acting like a complete asshole. #ArabTyrantManual

> If foreign nations criticize, blast them for not understanding your culture. “In our culture, I rule. They obey.” #ArabTyrantManual

> Send your army into the streets. Say they are there to “protect the kids”. Have them kidnap and rape the kids instead. #ArabTyrantManual

> After your army steamrolls protests, swear that the army was unarmed. The protesters did it to themselves to frame you. #ArabTyrantManual

> When bullet-ridden bodies, pictures, & videos are cited, explain that the kids did it to themselves, just to spite you. #ArabTyrantManual

> Pull a Bundy (“four touchdowns in one game”). Brag about your wartime achievements for your country. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you finally understand the people. “I understand you now.” #ArabTyrantManual

> Tell them that if they don’t go back home, the bad men will come and take away all their oil. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you “got the message” and “will act on it soon”. Don’t mention what “soon” means. #ArabTyrantManual

> Reshuffle the cabinet one more time, just coz you’re bored. #ArabTyrantManual

> When things get really bad, appoint the second most hated guy in the country as your VP. #ArabTyrantManual

> Bring up the economy. The kids are destroying the economy. Don’t mention how the economy looked before this point. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you have no real power anyway so you don’t need to step down. #ArabTyrantManual

> When in doubt, insult. “They are X”. (X = Dogs, rats, mice, snakes, owls, generic small animals). #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that your presence is a safety valve, and if you leave the country will explode in an orgy of sectarian killing. #ArabTyrantManual

> Ask parents to keep their kids at home. Tell the kids that they shouldn’t say no to their parents. It’s bad manners. #ArabTyrantManual

> Insist that all your beeble love you and would die for you. #ArabTyrantManual

> To show just how much your people love you, hold a demonstration in your capital. Louder than a gay pride parade. #ArabTyrantManual

> Explain how force is unfortunate but it’s the only thing that will work in this culture. Present yourself as a strongman. #ArabTyrantManual

> Remember to use delay tactics to liquidate & move decades of stolen assets. #ArabTyrantManual

> If it gets out that you have X billion dollars, say that you’ve been saving up for the people’s birthday present. #ArabTyrantManual

> In your “Amanpour moment”, explain how you are secular and Westernized in a land of tribal savages. #ArabTyrantManual

> Tell the people that they are your children and you speak to them as a father. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say that you are a great soldier who never gives up the fight. Book a suite in Jeddah, just in case. #ArabTyrantManual

> Tell people that if they don’t go home, the country will become the next X (X = Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual

> When you’ve had enough of them, attack Aljazeera physically. Shut them down. #ArabTyrantManual

> Approve a few suck-up silly political parties. Point to this as an example of change. #ArabTyrantManual

> Shut down the stock market and the banks. Blame it on the protesters. #ArabTyrantManual

> Choose a scruffy looking opposition figure who has no support among the people. Hold “talks” with him about change. #ArabTyrantManual

> When it gets really bad, hire mercenaries and have them shoot at your people. #ArabTyrantManual

> Cut cities’ water & electricity and block the passage of food and medical supplies. #ArabTyrantManual

> Blow up a Church and blame it on the Islamists. Say that your rule provides stability and protects minorities. #ArabTyrantManual

> Let some crazy Islamists out of jail. Tell foreign politicians that if you allow free elections, they will come to power. #ArabTyrantManual

> Call all your other tyrant buddies and ask them to provide guns & money for you. Tell them if you fall, they’re next. #ArabTyrantManual

> Don’t allow funerals. Hold the bodies. Funerals become demonstrations. #ArabTyrantManual

> Collect the bodies of the dead and injured (they will die eventually). They will always come in handy. #ArabTyrantManual

> Don’t allow Fridays. Big congregations are scary. Shut down mosques. Cite emergency fatwas. #ArabTyrantManual

> When all foreign TVs are showing the main square protests, air something inane on your own TV. A drama. Or a comedy show. #ArabTyrantManual

> Say you never intended to have your son run after you. Make sure you have a daughter. #ArabTyrantManual

> Find a big, hungry foreign country with no morals and offer them preferential contracts if they give you support. #ArabTyrantManual

> Dye your hair and use a lot of gel, and have a voluptuous nurse apply botox to your face. Look young. #ArabTyrantManual

> Demonstrate your confidence with a casual prop of some kind. Umbrellas are good. #ArabTyrantManual

> Shoot fake footage or pass fake info to news sources, and then refute it. Say this proves that all reporting by “foreign media” is false. #ArabTyrantManual

> Order police to kill people. Then say you don’t know how it happened and you’ll form a fact-finding commission. #ArabTyrantManual

> Offer amnesty for whoever turns himself in. Say that if they don’t, they’ll be shot dead. (If they do turn themselves in, torture them to death anyway.)

> Give your thugs ‘net connections and Facebook accounts. Have them take their thuggery online. Start with Twitter and Facebook, but don’t forget to spam article comment sections.

 

Note that the original tweets were compiled early by Amira Al-Husseini here, and by Sandra Gore Nielsen here. Thanks Amira, thanks Sandra.